A Lobster's View of the World
It’s hideously cruel, really. Some poor slob of a lobster is crawling across the bottom of the sea, acting all tough ’cause he’s got this bad-ass pair of claws in front of him. He smells something rotten and lovely, and he shuffles over to it for a bit of the old pinch-and-gulp. But what’s this? I can’t get out! What’s going on here? the wrong place, where the Pincers of Death can’t reach. Tossed into a bucket of seawater with a few dozen other lobsters who, until recently, were the Jets and the Sharks of their turf. The occasional scuffle breaks out among the inmates, but mainly everyone’s just looking at each other from the ends of their eye stalks, wondering what the hell is going on.
Another tank, this one occupied by a cute little number from some neighboring bay. But before the action gets hot, the action gets uncomfortably , of all stupid elements. Then tossed into a pot of scalding water, green calcium turning bright red, until the bubbles all blend together and the pain goes away.
I would have traded places with those pitiful crustaceans in a heartbeat. Instead, I was walking toward the front door of the Coffin residence, a bottle of Canadian wine in one hand and my self-esteem in the other, wondering how many people were already inside ready to help themselves to one or both.
The door was opened by Cory. She was dressed in a simple grey skirt and white shirt; she looked almost respectable. I smiled when I saw her. She smiled back. That was a bad sign. “Asshole,” she said. Then she stepped aside and let me in.
The house is a two-story clapboard structure, painted the requisite grey with black shutters.On the ground floor is an entrance stunted, blocked by the spiral staircase in a tight square in front of the central chimney. To the left is a formal living room, with some beautiful antique-looking furnishings tastefully placed, and about some beautiful antique looking terrible and relatives from the portraits on the walls. The living room was empty.
To the right, the less formal family room. This room has several chairs worn, but very nice, a few oriental carpets and some beautiful gold and cream wallpaper. And every square inch of it was occupied by Coffins, who each looked as though the wine they were drinking had just turned to pig’s blood in their mouths.
I’m pleased to report that my friends the Canadians sell wine in sturdy glass bottles; otherwise, the Token of Appreciation I brought with me would have shattered in my hand. Instead, I mumbled a few generic words of greeting, handed the wine to Cory, and begged her to pour me a big mug of it.
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Plumbers cost a lot less than funerals. (Questions? Email Alan J. Heavens at aheavens@phillynews.com or write to him at The Philadelphia Inquirer, Box 8263, Philadelphia, Pa. 19101. Volume prohibits individual replies.)
Does your carpet make Apple look bad, or the wallpaper? Apple TV only looks bad if it isn't working for you. A games console that by definition occupies a lot more of your living room real estate is not really the same kind of thing.
He sent out e-mails and resumes to all 32 NFL teams for years, receiving enough rejection letters to wallpaper a bedroom. Finally, in 2007, Jim Goodman, the former Broncos personnel chief who had recruited Kelly as a high school player on behalf of
Plumbers cost a lot less than funerals. (Questions? Email Alan J. Heavens at aheavens@phillynews.com or write to him at The Philadelphia Inquirer, Box 8263, Philadelphia, Pa. 19101. Volume prohibits individual replies.)
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Apple green widescreen wallpaper | WIDESKTOP
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